Week CXXXII (465): Hyphen the Terrible


Opti-ate: Devoured with the eyes; leered at.

Delic-age: For women, between 50 and 65. Word has no known meaning for men.

Delic-quette: Really, really delicate.

Unauthor-age: Plagiarism.

This Week's Contest: Take the first half of any word or word combination in today's Post that is broken by a hyphen at the end of a line, and combine it with the second half of any other hyphenated word from the same story, and define the new word that is formed. (Persons outside The Washington Post circulation area can use Monday's USA Today.) The examples above were taken from today's Miss Manners column. Make sure you specify the story from which your new word came. First-prize winner gets Baby Born Miniworld, one of the most revolting new toys available. It is a self-contained little pink world featuring a glum-looking bald infant who is, paradoxically, celebrating her second birthday alone with a little pink cake in a little pink room filled with little pink choking hazards. It is worth $ 15.  

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 12. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Fil Feit of Annandale.

Report from Week CXXVIII (461), in which we asked you to take any comic from that week's papers and rewrite the last piece of dialogue to make it funnier.

But first, an important announcement: Hey, kids! You know how you like to read the funnies? Well, these may LOOK like the funnies but they aren't! You won't want to read them because they aren't funny. And if you ask Mom 'n' Dad to explain them, they'll get all twitchy and shoo you off to write a letter to your aunt or something instead. So it's best not to even look at them.

Fourth Runner-Up:

CLASSIC PEANUTS
"Wha? Garagiola? Hey, was this any funnier the first time we said it?"
(Mike Hammer, Arlington; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Third Runner-Up:

BLONDIE
"Hey, whatever happenend to racial profiling?"
(Bird Waring, New York; Kevin W. O'Connor, Burtonsville)

Second Runner-up:

MARK TRAIL
"Not a chance! My super-short right arm makes me the quickest draw in the forest!"
(Andy Jones, Columbus, Ohio; William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.)

First Runner-Up:

THE FAMILY CIRCUS
"Daddy, why did you tell that person you don't have any clothes on?"
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

And the winner of the "Dilbert" necktie:

DENNIS THE MENACE
"Don't worry, Joey.  Father Patrick has promised to catch you at the bottom!"
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Honorable Mentions:

MARY WORTH
"Can this friendly little chat wait until the colonoscopy's over?"
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

BABY BLUES
"It's the day you wash my underwear!"
(Mike Hammer, Arlington)

BALDO
"And you seem to be related to SPEEDY Gonzalez."
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

SALLY FORTH
"He doesn't seem ten years older with his clothes off!"
(Ashby Bryson, Rockville)

BEETLE BAILEY
"Just look what happened to Polycarp, Bishop of Smyrna, during the Fourth Persecution!"
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

RED AND ROVER
"You're right -- it's mor interesting watching Mr. Tuttle trying on his wife's underwear!"
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

B.C.
"Sounds like a question for your pimp."
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

SALLY FORTH
"You think if I water it, it'll get bigger?"
(Justin Kennedy, Alexandria)

Next Week: Unnatural Actors